“What the **** did she say??”
And with that, the between-play commercial reverie on Monday Night Football was brought to a screeching halt, like a needle dragged off the record at a party.
JENNIFER HEDGER
Silence.
We all turned to the offending party, who pointed animatedly at the commercial we were all ignoring — a TSN spot promoting their fantasy football, starring Cabral (Call me Cabbie) Richards, Chris Schultz and the apparently kinky Jennifer Hedger.
“I swear, she said (*sotto voce*) something about cunnilingus …,” our obviously lecherously bent friend declared.
The next commercial break, it came on again, and this time, silence descended. And once again, the team names get repeated …
“Teach Me How to Dougie … Martin.”
“Easy, Breezy, Beautiful, Cover two.”
“Turn Down for Watt.”
And then …
“Cunna-something-me-softly.”
The house descended into uproar. Much beer was spat in disbelief. Chips were overturned. Dogs howled at the moon. The game — the Packers were well on their way to a blowout of the Chiefs — PVR was rewound and played. Repeat. Examined. Debated. But nothing concrete could be discerned from it.
So we are left with a choice, dear reader.
We can all believe she said something deliciously licentious, or we can lift the veil off this bride and get to the truth, and have you translate it for us. Watch the video, take the poll.
GIVE THAT MAN A PROVIE
Jason Botchford on Jared McCann’s strong play at camp, in preseason, and during last night’s game.
“It’s like the Canucks just found water on Mars. It requires further study.”
OVERPAID OR OVERHATED? (JUST LIKE MANNY)
Ryan Miller has the eighth-highest cap hit of goaltenders across the league. And Yardbarker has ranked him as the 23rd best goalie — that’s out of 32, if you’re counting — in the NHL.
Ryan Miller, the 23rd best goalie in the league.
A KING, READY TO HUNT SOME BEARS
Milan Lucic has made it clear what dates he’s circling on his calendar.
From an interview with Amalie Benjamin of the Boston Globe:
Milan Lucic didn’t hesitate.
“February,” he said. “We don’t play [the Bruins] till February. We’re in Boston Feb. 9, and then Boston is here March 19. It’s not till way late.”
He knows the dates. They’re imprinted on his mind.
As Lucic, speaking by telephone from Los Angeles on Wednesday said, “Those were the ones that I looked at right away, to be honest, when they came out.”
TORTS HAD NO TAKERS
Interesting note kind of buried in Elliotte Friedman’s 30 thoughts column: John Tortorella’s phone didn’t ring at all last summer. Not once. No NHL team was interested in bringing him on board as a coach.
Yardbarker takes a deeper look at Torts, who may have coached his last NHL game.
NEW OT FORMAT GETS GOOD REVIEWS
Of the 44 preseason games that featured the new 3-on-3 overtime format, 75 per cent (33) of those were ended in the extra frame, pre-shootout. In fact, the OT on average only lasting 2:49.
“People are pleased with the early returns. We’ll see how it goes in the regular season, when coaching strategies are employed to deal with it,” commish Gary Bettman said in a Puck Daddy report on Tuesday.
JAYS’ DAY IS COMING SOON
Despite getting rained out in Baltimore — meaning a doubleheader today — the Jays’ magic number for clinching the division was reduced to one when the Yankees lost to the Red Sox on Tuesday.
And, finally, they’re getting the recognition they deserve, too, reaching No. 1 in the MLB power rankings.
But the real drama is … will the half-naked Rogers Centre Toilet Destroyer be found?
VIDEO INTERLUDE
Jeremy Lin is doing his best Steve Nash impersonation with a pretty damned funny video on “How To Fit In With Your New NBA Team.” Plus, watch Steph Curry’s daughter do the Nae Nae!
C’MON MAN
Nothing like getting put on blast by your former teammates, like Adam Morrison was by Jared Dudley.
“Remember Adam Morrison? He never took showers, he did the chewing tobacco that he spit all the time, and he wore the same three polos the whole year. … Gerald Wallace had to force him to take a shower one time. Had to force him. Imagine that. Imagine forcing a grown man to take a shower. He should be ashamed of himself.”
FOR MY MAIN MAN HOWARD TSUMURA
It seems opposing teams know what your team is running. No wonder I keep winning our Raiders vs. Lions bet.
“All three weeks, a player has come up to me and said ‘we knew what you’re going to do,'” said Detroit wideout Golden Tate. “That’s bad.”
A GENTLEMAN HOOLIGAN ABROAD
If you haven’t been, make sure you keep tabs on Patrick Johnston’s “holiday” in England at the Rugby World Cup.
IF YOU DIDN’T KNOW IT, REPORTING IS A DANGEROUS JOB
